Eating Popcorn

A year ago today, I got my tonsils out. Most painful two weeks EVER. I still have nightmares about my post-surgery time. I swear I have Post-Traumatic Stress from it. I will spare you the details of the ordeal, trust me though-- I was in some serious pain. But the scars finally healed! And tonight I made myself some popcorn to celebrate the anniversary. It is my first time eating it since the surgery and it is the one food I’ve still been afraid to tackle. The thought of a piece of un-popped seed cutting my scars open scares me crazy.

Last winter, I got a few scars on my heart too. The scars have healed, but the past few months I’ve been doing something that has scared me crazy. Dating. How do I trust again? What if it ends in another scar? The anxiety really started to get to me. I kept thinking I needed to “guard my heart.” Isn’t that the mantra that we single women are given? It is definitely what I have told to others. But how do you guard your heart and still eat the popcorn that just might cut that scar open?

A verse that I have held on to for as long as I can remember is Philipians 4:6-7. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” All my life I have been quoting and reading and writing and praying and whispering and repeating this verse. And until recently, I skipped the last part! Just knowing that God would give me peace that was better than I could understand was enough. I stopped there. But the peace really is beyond my understanding! It wasn’t until recently that I realized that God says HIS peace will guard my heart!! I don’t have to build a wall around my heart. And I don’t have to look to a man to guard it either. It isn’t either of our jobs. GOD is my protector. We are taught as little girls to look for our knight in shining armor- a protector and rescuer. But that is not the job of a man. It is God’s.

Stop, Look, and Listen

This blog has gone silent for a while. I’ve been on a long, emotional roller coaster that so many singles find themselves on. There were thrilling highs, followed by heart-in-your-stomach drops. As I stumbled off the dizzying ride, I found myself at a crossroads in life. At the edge of this intersection, I decided to follow the words I was taught as a child before crossing the street: Stop, Look, and Listen.

Like any child, I wanted to run across the street. I wanted to get to the other side of this mess. I was so tempted to immediately make a big life change. Move? Quit my job and travel? Go to school? Instead of running away, I took some very purposeful time to move forward in the most healthy and God directed I knew how.

At most intersections, there are stop signs—shaped like octagons. One of my longest known and dearest friends came up with the Octagon Theory years ago. The theory was that an eligible bachelor for a Christian woman must have eight specific qualities. These qualities made up the eight sides of an octagon, which was supposed to represent a complete man, ready for marriage. I remember that the theory was that a person could have 6 or 7 sides, but unless they had all 8 sides, they were simply not a viable candidate for dating or marriage. I decided years ago, when the theory was developed, that instead of focusing on finding my Octagon man, I should be focused on becoming the complete person a man like that would need and be looking for as a partner. Of course, I’ve too often strayed from that goal, but it has been my desire—to be a complete person, not lacking of any “sides.” (For UFC and WWF fans, the struggle within The Octagon might be a good topic for future posts or comments.)

After stopping, the next step is to look. “Look both ways before you cross the street.” As God continues to hammer out my metal into the shape He has intended, He’s forced me to look at my own “sides.” I’m taking long, hard looks at my character, personality, and relationships.

And finally, I’m listening. These steps have happened simultaneously and are not in order of importance. But, in past life-intersections, I think I’ve too often skipped this one. This time God used a blizzard that shut me in my apartment for a week to force me to cry out to Him and ask “God, what are you trying to say to me?” And then really listen for His answer.

I was definitely a chicken. I was scared to cross the street. But why did this chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Psalm 84:56 sayBlessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valleys “ of Baca, they make it a place of springs.” Baca means “weeping,” but the joyful expectation of pilgrims transforms difficult ways into refreshment.